If you haven't read the New York Times' review of celebrity chef Guy Fieri's new restaurant Guy's American Kitchen and Bar yet, then we've picked out the very juiciest bits for you. In probably the harshest restaurant review of all time, critic Pete Wells pulls no punches and rips Fieri's Grill apart piece by piece.

Essentially, the Times Square joint gets zero stars. Nothing. Nada. Wells gets personal too, accusing the Food Network star of never setting foot in his new restaurant, which is a 500-seater. In sarcastic, biting vitriol that reads like an open letter to the proprietor, Wells asks, "Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?" Wells acknowledges the "well-meaning staff," but the customer service also gets a roasting. He asks if someone with a reservation shows up, "and the rest of the party has already been seated, does the host say, 'Why don't you have a look around and see if you can find them?' and point in the general direction of about 200 seats?" It goes on, and on, and on, and gets even harsher. "What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy's Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy's, in any meaningful sense?" Wells asks Fieri. "How did Louisiana's blackened, Cajun-spiced treatment turn into the ghostly nubs of unblackened, unspiced white meat in your Cajun Chicken Alfredo?" he adds. Ouch.

Fieri is yet to respond to the criticism, though seems happy enough with his food. After an appearance on Extra TV, he tweeted, "Hooked the crowd up with some @guysamerican Big Dippers...good eats!" At $17.50, the Big Dipper is described as a "Roasted premium round top" sandwich with "melted pepper jack cheese, crispy onion straws.and beef jus."