The Perfect Man

Please don't take this the wrong way. You're a wonderful girl, and we've had some fun. But I'm writing this review to let you know that I can't see you or your movies anymore. I hope you understand.

Lately we've been going through the motions. You release a film, I slam it. Lather, rinse, repeat. By now, we both have to be feeling the drain of this ceaseless back-and-forth. Somewhere along the line we disconnected. It probably happened around the time you starred in Raise Your Voice, though it's difficult to pinpoint the exact moment where our individual priorities shifted.

I want you to know that it's not you, Hilary. It's me. No, wait, that's not true, and honesty means everything at this fragile point of our relationship. To be fair, it's you.

Like a fool, I thought I could change you. Suggestions placed in past reviews were meant to help your career, not hurt it. I hinted that you should fire your agent. I begged you to select stronger scripts. When I mentioned that acting lessons could benefit you, I wasn't being sarcastic. Help me help you, Hilary. And no, that's not a subtle insinuation that you should remake Jerry Maguire.

But from the looks of your latest effort, The Perfect Man, you willfully ignored me at every turn. Now it's clear to me that we're always going to have the same hurdles between us, and I'm tired of trying to jump them alone. The far-from-perfect Man reads like a laundry list of issues we've tried to address: a weak screenplay where you create a secret "perfect" admirer for your Mom (Heather Locklear), terrible dialogue, cookie-cutter characterizations, that watered-down pop soundtrack, and the requisite gay character (stereotypical lampooned by Queer Eye host Carson Kressley) thrown in for cheap laughs. When is that ever funny, Hilary? When?!

I'm getting angry, and that doesn't help anybody. It's over, Hilary. Let's not drag this out. It's best we just say goodbye and go our separate ways. You'll keep making movies. I'll keep reviewing movies. Maybe one day we'll laugh about all of this. One can only hope.

The perfect man is out there waiting for you, Hilary. Now I know it's not me.

Sincerely,Sean

Always wear protection!