Kiss the Bride

Kiss the Bride is the kind of vanity project that every Hollywood actor dreams of making, and when it's all said and done they wonder why it never got theatrical distribution.

Well, here's why: Vanessa Parise's spiteful little film follows a gaggle of grown-up sisters as they descend on their parents' house to celebrate the wedding of one of the herd. Amanda Detmer is the oblivious bride. Parise, Brooke Langton, and Monet Mazur play the bickering sisters, each of whom is obsessed with stealing the thunder of the blushing bride (though she may not know it).

Whether it's an attention-getting ploy of bringing a lesbian lover into the house or just being an old-fashioned bitch, Parise pulls out all the stops to make sure we absolutely hate every one of these ladies. I presume this was meant to be a heartwarming drama with rich veins of romantic comedy, but it's far from both: All the skinny dipping and low-cut tops in the world can't save your movie when the characters are hateful crows and the story they're placed in is a non-starter.

Listen close and you can almost hear Parise seething that My Big Fat Greek Wedding (produced the same year) got all the buzz while her film went south. But if you give it a spin, you won't have any trouble seeing why.

Use tongue and lots of it.