Game Of Thrones Recap: "The Lion And The Rose" AKA The Purple Wedding

It’s been two days since Game of Thrones, so anyone not caught up should be responsible for steering clear of spoilers. That said, if you aren’t caught up on Season 4, Episode 2, The Lion and the Rose, leave now or risk getting spoiled. Seriously. So many spoilers below.

Ok, now that that’s taken care of, let’s talk weddings. There was another one happening on GoT this week, which, in this show, is enough to make you cringe in fear. Remember the last one? Of course you do. But there’s some time until the Purple Wedding and the first thing we see is The Bastard of Bolton, out for a spot of hunting. Well, if you call letting a bunch of dogs loose on a young woman “hunting” that is (hopefully you don’t, because that surely indicates some severe mental disorder). Any way, the unnamed young woman, whom Ramsay Snow apparently kidnapped, was dead within the first five minutes. It was that kind of episode. What exactly was the purpose of that? To remind us that Ramsay is a sadistic creep maybe? We did see Theo Greyjoy on the sidelines, obviously broken and on the edge of sanity. So there’s that.

And speaking of sadistic creeps, it’s almost time to check on Joffrey and his wedding prep. Well, almost, there’s still a bit of set-up to go through. King’s Landing is buzzing with anticipation. Jaime and Tyrion are having lunch and generally bro-ing around. Jaime is having self-esteem issues, due to having 50% fewer hands lately. He spills some wine and gets super frustrated, to which Tyrion responds with “It’s only wine.” Pay attention to that, it’ll be important later.'

Roose Bolton and Ramsay Snow have a little heart-to-heart, vis-à-vis Reek’s (nee Theon) flaying. The result – Roose tells his bastard: “Take Mote Cailin for our family, and I’ll reconsider your position.” Ramsay practically jumps at the chance to win daddy’s affection.

Lady Olenna has paid for everything, which means that even the wedding rehearsal is more opulent than anything we’ve seen on Thrones so far. Margaery is radiant and so is Cercei and so is Sansa – it’s just that all of them are visibly on edge.

Gifts! Lord Tyrell gives his new son-in-law a golden chalice. Are you sensing a bit of a pattern there? Tyrion plays the ultimate clueless uncle and presents his nephew with a book. Not just any book, but a dense history book – maybe he thinks Joff could learn something, maybe it’s just a way to spite his nephew. Either way, the boy king seems almost gracious, which makes us all go: “Huh?”

Don’t worry, a minute later he gets the second Valyrian steel sword from Tywin and, in his excitement, chops the book into pieces. There’s the Joff we know and… well, know. In a few quick scenes thereafter we see Tyrion plotting Shae’s exit from King’s Landing. It’s all to protect her, because Cercei is clearly planning something, now that she knows about her and Tyrion.

We move over to Dragonstone, where everyone is crazy and there are burnings a plenty. The craziest of all – Lady Celyse, who seems to think her daughter is a threat to her religion and hense sends in Melisandre to do some indoctrination. All in a day’s work.

Elsewhere, Bran keeps having visions and he spends more and more time as a wolf and less time as, you know, an actual human. The Reeds try to pull him out of it, but we’re betting his downward spiral isn’t quite over yet.

And then – oh joy, it’s time for a wedding! Which means that everyone has their sass on point. Even Sansa dares to pull a face during the ceremony, but the best part is a bit of dialogue between Oberyn Martell, Cercei and Tywin. We won’t spoil it for you, but watch out for that scene, if nothing else.

For more on the Lavish (if unfortunate) wedding, watch the Costumes featurette below. ****

Joff introduces the most offensive recreation of the War of the Five Kings. Sansa is cringing. Margaery is cringing. Tyrion is cringing. Even Cercei and Tywin seem uncomfortable during the drawn out improvised battle between five jesters.

“Pay each of them twenty gold when this is done,” Tyrion whispers to the side. “I’ll have to find another way to thank the king.” Something is coming and it can’t be stopped now.

The battle is soon over, but Joffrey needs more entertainment. So he picks on the easiest target on the table – Tyrion. To which the Imp responds with the Sassiest Sass Straight Out of Sass Town. The two clash over and over again, until Margaery, diplomat that she is, breaks up Tyrion’s moment of humiliation with what may go down as the best diversion in history.

“Look, the pie!” she yells and we all breathe a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, the pie offers only momentary relief and Joff is soon back at it again. A humiliated Tyrion is asked to bring the king his cup and Joff drinks… well, there’s no way to get around it. Joffrey is poisoned. Remember how quick and shocking the Red Wedding was? This was slow and agonizing and bloody. Joffrey died in the arms of his crying mother, in the way that most fans probably hoped he would – afraid and in pain. He should have seen it coming. Why do these people insist op playing The Rains of Castamere at weddings?