'Noah' Gets New Trail, But Is The Boat The Wrong Shape!?

If you’ve got a film out after the Superbowl, then you generally try and get a trailer out for a match day broadcast. Not independent, black & white films made on a small budget, but high profile blockbusters, like Noah starring Russell Crowe.

It’s only 30-seconds long, but the spot features Russell Crowe as Noah, boarding his biblical vessel and facing the almighty wrath of God in flood-form. We should all be thankful he did that, because if he didn’t, we wouldn’t be able to look at cat gifs while we’re supposed to be writing stories and answering emails.

The controversial film stars Emma Watson, Ray Winstone, Jennifer Connelly, Logan Lerman and Anthony Hopkins and is written and directed by Darren Aronofsky. It’ll flood – oh yeah – into US cinemas on March 28 and April 4 in the UK. Although it might not: recent research shows that Noah’s boat was actually donut shaped, rather than the oblong ship depicted in the famous fairy-tale.

A 3,800-year-old blueprint reveals that Noah’s Ark was in fact more akin to Homer Simpson’s favourite snack, you see. Dr Irving Finkel of the British Museum is the person claiming it was a round vessel, with a skyscraper-shaped cabin for the animals, which was about two-thirds the size of a football pitch. He also asserts that it didn’t exist.

Check out the trailer for Noah:

“I’m 107 per cent certain it didn’t exist,” he said. The purpose of deciphering this tablet was to show that people from antiquity were really like us.The flood in this story was inflicted by man because he was annoying and noisy. The gods decided Man lived under the heavens and must be obliterated. It demonstrates the frailty of human existence."

We doubt Aronofsky et al will remake the entire film based on these findings, but if they want to stay as true to the story as is feasibly possible, they really should head back to the drawing board and schedule the film for a 2024 release. For that reason, we’re proposing people boycott the film. Only joking: you shouldn’t see the film because it’ll likely be pants.