The 10 Greatest Christmas Horror Movies To Watch This Season
As we plunge ever deeper into the sickly sweet realms of the festive season, resplendent in its gaudy, glittering and gluttonous glory, you may feel that baubles, mince pies, carols and fairy lights are being shoved down your snowman scarf-wrapped throat without mercy.
Where then, do you go for respite from the relentless seasonal cheer; to take a break from the never-ending goodwill? Sometimes we just need to see Santa behaving badly - and we're not talking about him giving Mariah Carey some cheeky undies.
Though a permanent solution to the annual saccharine onslaught may be to move to the Middle East, a more likely antidote is the Christmas horror film. This perfect dichotomy of Christmas joy tainted with cathartic bloodletting is rarely family-friendly watching but can be a deviously dark remedy.
So load up your gun of anti-festivity with our carefully-selected rundown of the ten best crimbo scarers and watch as the holy day is ruined in a hundred blood-soaked ways.
10) Santa's Slay
It doesn't matter if you're naughty or nice in horror comedy Santa's Slay: the deranged, son of Satan Santa is going to do away with you anyway. This isn't the rosy-cheeked, white bearded Father Christmas of greetings cards, this is the aggressive, knife-handy, bomb-throwing, sleigh-joyriding hardass of a St. Nick who plants explosives in childrens' presents and terrorises the town with his equally vicious reindeer.
The violence begins one Christmas Eve when Santa falls down the chimney into a family's living room and sets to work killing everyone in the bloodiest ways possible despite pleas of "I've been good!" before taking off on his hell-deer to continue the death spree. Professional wrestler Bill Goldberg plays the formidable Father C with a great grey beard, a filthy red suit and the most agressive-sounding "Ho Ho Ho!" we've ever heard.
Watch The 'Santa's Slay' Trailer:
The movie's pretty un-p.c with its desecration of Christmas cheer by the Antichrist, the massacre of many small children, and the scene where a Jewish deli owner is stabbed with his own menorah. As long as you're not easily offended, Santa's Slay could be a rather cathartic romp against all the relentlessly grating jingle and cheer. Somehow, a lump of coal doesn't seem quite so bad now...
9) Jack Frost
"One cold night, science and evil combined," begins the trailer and may be all you need to know about Michael Cooney's 1997 chillingly scary Jack Frost. A week before Christmas, a van carrying serial killer Jack Frost, played by Scott MacDonald, crashes into a truck containing some genetic material. The crash causes Jack's body, the genes, and the snow on the ground to fuse together to create a cold-hearted killer like never seen before.
The movie has become a cult classic and a key calling point for guaranteed festive gore as MacDonald's fearsome snowman begins his quest of slaughter, using ice picks, sleighs and icicles. Just don't confuse Cooney's Jack Frost with the 1998 heart-warming family drama in which a boy's dead father comes back as a loving snowman. Then again, they'd probably look exactly the same to those hungover on Christmas morning.
Watch The 'Jack Frost' Trailer:
Next Page: Bikini Bloodbath Christmas.
8) Bikini Bloodbath Christmas
If you have ever sat wishing that the movie genre triumvirate - horror, festive and soft porn - would someday be all rolled into one blood-sloshingly weird movie, then B-movie masterpiece Bikini Bloodbath Christmas is the only movie for you. The third in the Bikini Bloodbath trilogy after Bikini Bloodbath and Bikini Bloodbath Carwash, Bloodbath Christmas similarly seeks to parody the old fashioned slashers whilst making sure there's always plenty of cleavage on show.
The movie sees the return of Rob Coz's Death Chef who stalks Jenny (Rachael Robbins) and Sharon (Niki Rubin) yet again. Director and writer Edward Seymour claims that Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings films inspired him to create a trilogy of movies and indeed, Bloodbath Christmas is certainly inspired.
When Ms. Johnson (Debbie Rochon) falls into a coma, Debbie and Sharon go to work in her 'Bong Shoppe' and are drawn into a battle with a nearby Jewish deli with the murderous Death Chef somehow being brought back from the grave in the process. The film climaxes with the girls racing to take out the cleaver-wielding Chef before the event of the year: the eggnog wrestling match.
Next Page: Don't Open Till Christmas.
7) Don't Open Till Christmas
British Christmas horror Don't Open Till Christmas may have been branded as "barely watchable" by DVD Verdict but just because it's a bit of a turkey doesn't mean it's not a prime candidate for mindless movie consumption after Elf, The Grinch and It's A Wonderful Life have been shown for the umpteenth time on telly this year.
In a London setting, a cold-hearted killer is going around slaughtering anyone dressed in a Santa outfit in increasingly stomach-churning ways, including having a spear thrown at them, having their face roasted alongside some chestnuts, castration, being slashed with a machete, electrocution and an exploding present. The killer abducts a stripper, Sherry (Wendy Danvers), and intends for her to be "the supreme sacrifice to all the evil that Christmas is." Sounds like someone never got that toy truck they wanted.
Watch The 'Don't Open Till Christmas' Trailer:
Scotland Yard's Chief Inspector Harris, played by the movie's director Edmund Purdom, is soon on the case but risks his life. It is soon discovered that the killer, played by Alan Lake, has a very particular hatred of Santa for a very special reason. Don't even think about missing this if you love your Christmas flicks cheesy, silly and a bit bloody.
Next Page: Silent Night, Bloody Night.
6) Silent Night, Bloody Night
The oldest film on our list is no less scary and its age has only made it a whole lot more eerie. Silent Night, Bloody Night, or Night of the Dark Full Moon, as it was originally titled, involves a New England town covered in snow, an escaped maniac from a mental asylum and bloody revenge for a crime committed a quarter of a century previously.
The Theodore Gershuny film became a predecessor to the fairly ubiquitous slasher of the modern era but shocked in the 70s with its dark themes and continually spooky atmosphere. Released in 1974, the tense movie became a favourite at drive-in movie theatres in America and earned a cult following, only really emerging in the 80s when it was popularised by Elvira's Movie Macabre.
Watch The 'Silent Night, Bloody Night' Trailer:
The films begins with a man names Wilfrid Butler (Philip Bruns) who is believed to have died after being set aflame before collapsing in the snow. Picking up years later, the film follows Jeffrey Butler, Wilfrid's grandson who inherits his grandfather's mansion, which was once a mental home. He begins to investigate disturbing crimes that have been occurring in the town, and in the process finding Wilfrid's empty grave and a chilling twist.
Coincidentally, according to Daily Dead, the movie has been recently digitally restored and will be released on the 10th December which is just a little creepy in timing. Also apparently, the house used for the Butler Mansion still stands in Oyster Bay, Long Island, New York which is creepier still. Anyone fancy a road trip?
Next Page: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale.
5) Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
This movie was a hard-fought addition in our office and for good reason too: think Trollhunter but with a festive twist. Rare Exports is a Finnish flick but don't let a few subtitles dissuade you from indulging in one of the less jokey and more scary films on the list.
The suspenseful film seeks to not only portray Santa as a badboy but perhaps the most evil person on Earth who eats his own reindeer then turns to picking off local children. The movie focusses on a team of reindeer herders working and living near Finland's Korvatunturi mountain whose wintery peace is disturbed when a group of scientists arrive to study what is described as "the largest burial mound in the world."
Watch The 'Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale' Trailer:
The excavators uncover one sacred grave amongst the burials but find out pretty quickly that its occupant is still alive. This dangerous and wild inside-out Father Christmas may wear the classic fur-lined red suit but he's here to hand out a lot of punishment to those he thinks have been naughty. The movie twists when Santa is captured but the havoc doesn't stop there...
Next Page: The Gingerdead Man.
4) Gingerdead Man
Though there is nothing Christmassy about this murderous baked products compendium, gingerbread is THE most festive snack of the season and we needed an excuse to include this hilariously titled, terrifyingly weird movie on our xmas run-down list. Garey Busey plays the titular felon, a giant, evil gingerbread man who is cast from the ashes of a crazed killer sentenced to death in the electric chair. Oh, and cinnamon is added too: never forget the cinnamon.
The Gingerdead Man is brought to life with a surge of electricity to the giant oven he's baking in and begins his murderous rampage using any means possible to extinguish a family of bakers. Cue plenty of manic giggling from the most demonic biscuit you'll find as well as B-movie slasher effects and gratuitous gore.
For such a niche and - some might argue - insane premise, its 60% rating on Rotten Tomatoes may come as something of a surprise but then again, a film of this imaginatively unhinged calibre only comes round once in a generation.
Watch The 'Gingerdead Man' Trailer:
But let's not forget the equally deadly, increasingly ridiculous sequels: Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust and Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver. What about this year's spin-off, Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong? Okay, so perhaps "once in a generation" was exaggerating but for surefire silly fun this Christmas, seek out this baker's bloodbath. Just prepare to never walk past a bakery without feeling a little worried again!
Next Page: A Cadaver Christmas.
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3) A Cadaver Christmas
We couldn't have possibly gotten by without a good old zombie movie on this list. 2011's A Cadaver Christmas sees a ground-down university janitor (Daniel Rairdin-Hale) confronted with the biggest spillage of his life to clean up over the college's Christmas vacation when he discovers that the dead have been given the gift of life and are roaming freely, dripping blood everywhere.
United by such terrifying circumstances, the janitor, the cop, the perp, the drunk, the bartender and the security guard must join forces to stop what turns out to be the evil scheming of a professor who is hell-bent on resurrecting the dead with dark forces.
Watch The 'A Cadaver Christmas' Trailer:
Joe Zerull's A Cadaver Christmas may have been low budget but the comic book-esque graphical styling makes the blood-spurting film a sheer delight to watch. The segmentation of the characters into their defined roles add clever flavour to the film as they work together to hold back the marauding zombies and defeat the crazed mastermind at the heart of it. This is a film for the true zombie aficionado who likes their tongue-in-cheek festive horror experiences icky, gory and served up with a squishy side of "BRAAAAINS!!"
Next Page: The Nightmare Before Christmas.
2) The Nightmare Before Christmas
Is it a horror movie for Halloween? Is it a feel-good festive musical? We're not sure what category Tim Burton's 1993 stop motion revelation The Nightmare Before Christmas falls into but we're certain it's one of the best festive family watches at this time of year. Starring Johnny Depp as Jack Skellington, Nightmare Before Christmas is probably more of a sing-along entertainment than a scare-yer-pants-off cushion-cowerer.
Don't let that put you off though: Burton managed to make the film perfectly gothic and macabre with a creepy but addictive soundtrack and plenty of darkly funny moments as "The Pumpkin King" and his world of spooky Halloween splendour is usurped when he discovers the joy of Christmas and tries to convince his fellow residents.
Next Page: Our No.1 Xmas Horror...
1) Gremlins
You shouldn't need to ask why Gremlins is top of our Scary Christmas Movies list. Four words: the electric whisk scene. Scared yet? We're not sure on which planet Gremlins should be marketed towards children but on a top ten list with films that include "slay," "nightmare" and "bikini" in their titles, the modestly named Gremlins may sound like a soft option.
It's shown around this time on television every year but rather than being rightfully scheduled after the watershed as all satanic, scarring, "never-sleep-again" movies should be, it's usually nestled in the cosy post-dinnertime slot to make sure that kids who've retreated to the sofa after their heavy Christmas dinner cannot escape the horrors of Joe Dante's 1984 Gremlins.
Watch The 'Gremlins' Trailer [If You Dare]:
Billed as a comedy horror, the film follows the story of Zack Galligan's Billy Peltzer who is given a cute and furry Mogwai creature called Gizmo by his father with the strict instructions not to feed it after midnight or throw water on it. A glass of water is spilt on Gizmo, leading to five more Mogwai creatures popping out to play. However, these new creatures are evil and trick Billy into feeding them after midnight leading to unparalleled terror with a reptilian transformation and killer monsters on the rampage.